“Do not train a child to learn by force or harshness; but direct them to it by what amuses their minds…” ~ Plato
I recently read this beautiful quote by Plato and it instantly took me back to my elementary school days, particularly 2nd grade. . The ONLY teacher I remember from those years is Miss Rita, my Hindi language teacher. Not only did she do a great job at teaching the language (I am still very fluent in reading and writing Hindi, some 30 plus years later!), but what I remember most about her was how amusing and creative she was during our lessons. For instance, if she was using the word "
clever" in a sentence, she would say, "the
clever bird sat in her new car with her family and went to the beach for a picnic!" Miss Rita’s simple yet FUN examples allowed us to learn through laughter! Because of her unique teaching approach, Miss Rita became very popular amongst the children who would jump for joy if they were lucky enough to have Miss Rita as their language teacher. Her delivery was all about
humor and imagination, the two things that children connect with easily!
By creating a platform of humor and imagination, the message that you are trying to deliver to your children will be received openly, absorbed mindfully and retained beneficially! Children of any age learn better when the learning platform is soft and loving. Below are a couple of examples that might get your funny, imaginative parenting juices flowing:
Instead of the formal approach: “PICK UP YOUR TOYS”
Try the FUN approach: "You might want to pick up your toys and put them in the toy box so that they can be well rested for you to play with them tomorrow!"
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| Wouldn't you rather have this? |
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| Do you REALLY want this reaction? |
Formal: “FINISH YOUR VEGETABLES”
FUN: "Please finish your vegetables before they grow legs and escape to the neighbors house where they feel LOVED!"
Humor and Imagination are two powerful TOGs that help keep emotions light and balanced, yet accomplish the task at hand! Isn't that the goal? Remember, emotionally intelligent parents raise emotionally balanced children that are happier AND do better in school! Check out the research!Just for fun, here's a video that Skyler made with nothing but a wild imagination and a PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH! In Joy!
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Dear Parents...
We all know how powerful our WORDS can be and how they generally affect us but I cannot stress enough the importance of the "words" you use when guiding your children. While their little brains are still developing, its best to keep it simple. Here are two suggestions that will produce great results, GUARANTEED!
1. Be kind. The tone of voice that we use with our kids can make it or break it! Starting with a "sweetie", "honey" or "please" (specially if you're really upset) will help soften your voice by a few syllables.
2. Be clear and specific about what you are asking them to do. You can do this by choosing "to do" words instead of "NOT to do" words. I'll give you an example of each:
EXAMPLE:
"I've asked you so many times not to leave your socks around the house".
SWITCH! "Sweetie, from now on, please put your socks in the hamper by the shoe rack".
This simple way of speaking allows young children (especially the 2-8 year olds) to follow instructions in a one-step process. Here is how their brain comprehends and responds to the two examples:
"Oops, ya, I'm not supposed to do that! Where am I supposed to put them again? Ummm, oh ya, in the hamper." (Chances are that by this time they are already side tracked by something else and you might be repeating this same instruction the next day!)
SWITCH brain response:
"Okay mommy" followed by a possible "I love you" (they connect with the new tone of voice much deeper than you think!).
Children are SIMPLE minded!
Keep parenting SIMPLE!
Remember!...it's not just kids that give you a better response when your words are kind and clear, its all of us adults too!
Watch This!
Here is just one more example of how you can change the world if you change your words. Let us empower our children with the same life tool!
The thing always happens that you really believe in; and the belief in a thing makes it happen.
-Frank Lloyd WrightThe message in this video is delivered in the simplest of languages but speak volumes about believing in yourself! Take a look!
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Often in parenting we tend to lose our cool over something small and say hurtful things to our children that we don't mean.
How many of us acknowledge that we're wrong and actually apologize to our children?
Here are the benefits in doing so:
1. Social Intelligence: When we model by example, we encourage our children to
catch and learn from their own mistakes,
strengthening their bonds with their siblings and friends whom they are apologizing to, while reinforcing their
communication skills.
2. Emotional Intelligence: We teach them
"empathy", one of the most important human qualities! By a simple apology, we teach them to
understand and
respect another's point of view, thoughts and feelings.
This prepares children to be
open-minded and
open-hearted ready and willing to absorb the lesson to be learnt.
We must also ask ourselves...
How many of us end up apologizing and attaching a "but" behind it? Meaning how many of us apologize like this..."I'm really sorry, but......... you need to listen to what I'm saying from now on" or
".... but, you know you should not have done what you did".
Well, here are the drawbacks of doing that:
1. While the 'sorry" takes a child to being empathetic and open-minded, the "but" behind it will immediately negate both of the benefits mentioned above (1 and 2: activating Social and Emotional Intelligence). The "but" is sure to create
confusion and
mixed emotions in a child's mind, taking them far from the open-minded platform that helps children learn from the mistakes they make!
2. In addition, the "but" starts the
blame-game filling the child's emotional bucket with
guilt, hurting their self-confidence and self-esteem. What started out a resolution to an issue ends up creating further
confusion!
However, If there is a "but" that needs to follow to make a point, wait for a day or so. Let your "sorry" come from your heart and touch your child's heart. Allow time for the magic of the apology to serve its purpose so that by example, you lead your child to a place of open-heartedness, open-mindedness, reconciliation and learning from their mistakes.
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Allowing time to soak in the "sorry" will take your child to a different level of respect, understanding and communication! Is that not the point?
Hope this TOG (Tool of Growth) serves you well in Raising Happy And Caring Kids!
In Joy!
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~The way we communicate with our children has a profound effect on how they develop ~
Dr. Daniel Siegel
The word "communication" has never been used more than it is today. Every relationship in our lives is based on it! It is what we're supposed to do with our husbands, wives, parents, siblings, children, coworkers, neighbors, friends ... the list can go on and on. Needless to say, special attention should be given to nurture our communication skills with our children because unlike the rest of our relationships, with children, we are shaping their lives and influencing their development in a big way...... much larger than we can imagine!
By definition, the word communication is "to give or interchange feelings, information or the like, by writing, speaking etc." In order for the interchange to happen, the parent has to remain open-minded, open-hearted and be willing to :
1. Listen. This means allowing your child to finish their sentences before you speak your mind.
It definitely does not mean agreeing with your child in what they're saying but instead just hearing them out while they're talking.
2. Understand. This means absorbing the meaning of their words and paying attention to the feelings behind them. Many a times, children are not using the right words to express their feelings and yet they are trying to express their point of view. Understanding refers to getting to "the point that they are trying to make".
3. Respect. Even though they are children and do not have the life experiences that we do, they are still entitled to their feelings. By respecting their feelings, we acknowledge and honor their presence. This does not mean that we have to agree with them or give them what they're asking for. This simply means accepting and honoring their existence so that they can accept and honor our guidance. If you are too upset to listen or understand, respect alone, can set a strong foundation for positive communication with your children.
Listening, understanding and respecting is the integrated interchange of feelings that is at the heart of the definition of the word communication.
Research confirms that our response to our children's feelings creates long lasting memories nurturing their sense of security, and helps them improve their own communication skills which translate to success in many areas of their lives. Our communication skills help develop theirs and our relationship with them defines their relationship with the world around them.
Keep in mind, emotionally intelligent parents raise emotionally intelligent children! Emotional literacy is not taught in schools. I repeat, emotional intelligence is not a subject that they are going to learn in schools. We are their first and foremost teachers on the subject and as parents, I know that if we are aware, we will do the best job we can!
It is my passion and my Purpose to bring to you creative, simple TOGs to help you do that!
IN JOY.
"We all need someone who inspires us to do better than we know how." ~~ Anonymous
When children are born, their only two fears are:
1. The fear of falling.
2. The fear of loud noises.
That's it! Other than that, they are purely and completely shaped by their environment i.e their parents, family and caregivers. Their minds are open and absorbing everything they are surrounded by. Our reactions, responses, voices, and tones are all making impressions upon their little brains as they grow. We are the "soil", if you will. They are the "seeds". The "roots" are the "impressions" that they form. These "roots" or "impressions" really are the foundation of their growth. They carry our children to their growth and through their growth. Their personalities form from these impressions. As a parent, I am awed by the fantastic role we play as parents in growing their roots and shaping them! Through their most formative years (0-7), by simply understanding our children and their emotional boundaries, we can not only teach them how to do things but we also inspire them and hold their hands through what they have never experienced before.... walking, talking,riding a bike and so much more. We are their parents and their teachers!
We are that "someone" that inspires our children to do better than they know how! We can only do that if we first believe in ourselves!
THIS IS HOW THIS SINGLE MOM DOES IT!
IN JOY!
In my monthly "Happy, Relaxed Parenting" class last week, I addressed the issue of us, the parents, passing on our own negative experiences thereby planting "limiting beliefs" in our children. These limiting beliefs take our children from a place of love and confidence to a place of fear and lack of confidence which will translate into poor decision making as they grow!
Here's a great example:
"My seven year old has been repeatedly asking for a bike. Although a lot of his friends are riding bikes, I still think it is unsafe and too early."
Underlying reason: This parent had an injury in a bicycle accident at age 6.
Effect: Needless to say, this child sees friends and neighbors riding bikes and feels "left out".
This feeling then perhaps translates into "feeling sorry" for oneself which lays the ground work for low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence and a plethera of fear-based emotions.
Recommendation: As parents, our first instinct is to always protect our children, particularly from our bad experiences. But if we use our emotions to think instead of thinking with our emotions, we will be better able to "respond" instead of "react" . So practice your emotional intelligence skills by listening carefully (a full paragraph focusing on "listening" in our previous blog) to what your children are saying. Ask yourself if it is a reasonable request and if it is safe. If so, allow your children to have their own new and fresh experiences from which to learn and respect their desires and curiosity to learn. Bringing our own negative experiences into their lives will hinder their growth , well-being and social skills. Keeping this in mind will give our children a platform to be open minded and flexible as they thrive, exploring new skills, building their self confidence and self esteem.
Let me know your thoughts. If you have experiences that you would like to share please email me at roma@toolfgrowth.com or "post your comment" below.
In Joy!
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