With all the emphasis on building a child's academic learning skills at an early age, we, as parents, must remember the importance of building their social and emotional skills as well. Needless to say, today we have groundbreaking research to prove that EQ (Emotional Quotient) or EI (Emotional Intelligence) accelerates our IQ and yet ......... we see very little progress in the area of helping children uncover the depth of their emotional intelligence. So does this mean that we now have to "teach" our kids one more thing?! Absolutely not! All we have to do is be aware of and nurture EI in our homes and our daily lives. HOW? By staying present and attentive, by staying in the "NOW", which simply means paying attention to the situation at hand.
Here are four easy "NOW" suggestions that will win every time:
1. Help children IDENTIFY their emotions... for example.... "Are you angry or sad?". Giving them choices, even if you know what the emotion is, will help them identify their own feelings, increasing their emotional vocabulary and most importantly allowing them to learn to practice making choices (which is a life skill in itself!). 2. RESPECT their feelings. If they are "sad", just letting them know that you "understand" will open up the door for building communication skills at an early age. Be prepared for what comes next........ 3. Be prepared to LISTEN! You have set the stage for them to start expressing their feelings. The word "listen" is defined as "paying attention". The most important part of "listening" or "paying attention" is allowing our children to complete their sentences and their thoughts, without interrupting. 4. When they are done expressing their thoughts and feelings, be GENUINE in helping them problem-solve effectively. This means, use a kind and gentle tone of voice AND positive, encouraging words.
Parenting is a gift and we must honor it. By staying in the "NOW", we honor both ourselves and our children. As Charles Darwin says: "It is not the most intelligent of species that survives but the most responsive". It is up to us to teach our kids to respond instead of react and we can do so by practicing it ourselves first!
Here's how well re"now"ned author Amy Krause Rosenthal explains it! In Joy:
A friend of mine left town for a few days, leaving her calm, confident and well adjusted, 18-month old daughter in the care of family. On her return, we connected and, of course, I wanted to hear all about the trip and also asked how the little one did! Here is what she said:
She felt...
HAPPY:
"I'm happy that she developed some good habits." In her absence, her sister-in-law was able to get her daughter, Sophia, off the pacifier AND got her to fall asleep in her crib!
SAD:
"What was I doing wrong? I guess I'm a little sad with myself that I was not able to do this on my own."
Sound Familiar? Of course! Anyone and everyone who has held or currently holds the prestigious title of "parent" can empathize with this dark feeling of "inadequacy" when someone else is able to accomplish what we could not with OUR OWN children!
But here is the underlying truth, my Friend: you should be very proud of yourself for the great job that you HAVE done with your daughter! Not very many parents can leave town (let alone the country!) unless they are absolutely comfortable that their child will be okay and will do well!
Let's make a list of Mommy and Daddy's parenting skills that might help my Friend feel better:
1. You have to be a confident, calmand positive parent to be able to leave your child anywhere!
2. You obviously have phenomenal relationships with your family to have them volunteer to take on the responsibility. This speaks directly of your investment in the importance of family for both of you as individuals! BRAVO!
3. YOUR CHILD WAS HAPPY WHILE YOU WERE GONE! This is a huge, positive reflection of the happiness index that you have raised your child with.
4. Sophia even took it to the next level! What an EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT child! She was well-aware of and responded to the new things that her aunt was trying to teach her. This speaks directly to the learning environment that you have surrounded and raised her with. It goes without saying that she is a bright child who is nurtured and encouraged to constantly learn and is given the freedom to choose when SHE is ready!
So where's the grief?
Sophia has happy, confident, calm, positive parents who have taught her by example and embedded in her the importance of family. Hence, Sophia has, thus far, been raised to be a bright, nurtured, well-adjusted, intelligent, and soul-full child who makes positive choices when she is ready!
Another thing to remember!
There is an old saying that says... "It takes a community to raise a child" And this is absolutely true. In fact, it is extremely healthy for your child to learn from people and environment other than their home and parents! What great preparation for school, college and real life! Moreover, research indicates that learning from cousins and family members strengthens bonds and harnesses trust. It really does not matter who the source of a positive habit is. What does matter is that you have a child who is able to learn from a new environment!
Honor yourself, Mom and Dad, for you are on the right track! You are doing a great job and what a great "family community" you have! As you all may know, our TOG motto is: Emotionally Intelligent Parents Raise Happy and Caring Kids! And this is exactly what you're doing my Friend! You should be very proud of yourself!
Before we part for today, here's a great refresher message for all our TOG Parents:
"A LOVING CONNECTION WITH YOUR CHILD WILL PROVIDE THE FOUNDATION FOR YOUR CHILD'S HIGHER THINKING SKILLS "
I've come across several articles that use the words "learning parenting skills" and wondered why that does not resonate completely with the gift of what parenting really is. While a "skill" is defined as "the ability to do something well", I feel what lies beneath is the "attitude" towards parenting that actually builds the "skill". Once we assume the title of "parent", we give birth to a whole new way of thinking! I looked up the Oxford dictionary definition of the word "attitude" and thats exactly what it is defined as "a way ofthinking"! By simply assuming the title, we naturally adopt the thinking, which nourishes the feeling which then leads to our actions (role as parents). By paying attention to our "attitude" towards parenting, we would uncover our natural ability of being a parent! If our attitude toward parenting is a positive one....one of love, empathy, compassion, then surely our behavior towards our children will be filled with love, empathy and compassion, despite the challenges. Emotionally intelligent parents will nurture happy and emotionally intelligent children! Most importantly, our attitude becomes their attitude. They're watching us and learning from us. We have the power to teach our children by example and what a honorable gift that is!
"I'm Watching you Dad. You're teaching me how to live....wether you know it or not."
One of the best ways to build a child's self-esteem is to allow them to complete their sentences. As parents, we must remind ourselves the importance of not just "hearing" what our children are saying but actually "listening" to them. It might seem like the difference between the words is subtle, but I promise you, it will add a whole new dimension to communication with your child and setting the foundation for building their self-esteem, self-confidence and self-identity. Listening really means "hearing while paying attention"! This practice of hearing while paying attention and allowing our children to complete their sentences encourages them to express their feelings more readily preparing them to be the best that they can be, with our love and support.
As WILL.I.AM would say on behalf of all our kids ...... "I WILL ALWAYS BE THE BEST ME THAT I CAN BE......... AND I'LL KEEP GETTING STRONGER......."
In Joy!
I also wanted to share with all of you that we are working on a brand new look for our website in preparation for the launch of Happy Heart Happy Face. In the last couple of days I have had several people asking for more posts and I promise to post at least once a week and keep you updated with our progress at Tools of Growth. I would also love to hear your comments (link below) or email me with any questions or thoughts: roma@toolsofgrowth.com
IQ or EQ (Intelligence Quotient or Emotion Quotient) I keep wanting to use research to get parent's attention! Why? Because, finally we have "a science" to back up what mankind knew innately since the beginning of time. Data collected over the past ten years is showing up everywhere and at Tools of Growth, we are happy to share! So here is a clip from a great article posted by The Mother Company , compiled from an interview with Clinical Psychologist , Dr. Laura Markham! IN JOY!
"Kids with high EQ, on the other hand, do better in school, are more cooperative with parents, are healthier, are happier, and choose friends who are closer to their own parents and less likely to engage in risky behaviors. As they grow up, their emotional intelligence helps them build more rewarding relationships in every area of their lives, which also leads to professional success and better parenting." Read More
Here's a great TOG video from Kozy Bear and The Feefers, that can help any age child (and parent!) understand "emotions". "Emotions are ..... what you feel IN-side..... a feeling you just can't hide....", Sing along.......
Many of the books recommended on her site can also be found in our store, the TOG Box, under "Parent TOGs"
If you make it "fun" for your children, they will be encouraged to understand their feelings and express them. Of course, it is our job as parents to build their Emotional Vocabulary. At Tools of Growth, we can provide you with TOGs to help become familiar with Emotional Vocabulary AND bring to you "fun" tools to help apply the words they learn. Watch this together! Build their EQ or EI (Emotional Intelligence) and Raise Happy and Caring Kidsthat are equipped with a strong EQ to enhance their IQ!
Yet another TOG supporting our TOG Philosophy and Emotional Intelligence:
As we work towards the final phases of development and marketing of our first TOG, a children's book, "Happy Heart, Happy Face", I asked our Director of Brilliant Ideas, Nitasha, to repost a favorite blog that she thought was brilliant and needed more attention. So here it is! In Joy:
Having raised my own children, now 22 and 19, I look back asking myself, "If I could pick one thing in my early parenting days that has had a permanent positive impact on my kids, what would it be?"
THE ANSWER: Encouraging"QUIET TIME"... a time for yourself to just be.
My 19 year old son, Navin, came home for winter break last night, after a grueling week of finals! (We all remember what that's like). Needless to say, he looked exhausted. He slept for 12 hours last night, and went to the gym first thing this morning. We talked for a few minutes as he was making breakfast and I said to him, "You need to refuel, love, what can I do for you?" He answered, "You know, Mom, I just need food and some QUIET TIME!" As a Mom, I am always happy to facilitate quiet time. This was his time to refuel, refresh, and recreate. It was simply his time to heal. And this quiet time, in whatever shape or form it may be, is one of the most important TOGs that one can benefit from... at any age!
With all the challenges that kids face today, from constant cell phone stimulation and internet usage to various types of social media, how can we expect our kids to know how to make QUIET TIME, if it is not a habit we have encouraged from their early years?
Here are some TOGs to get you started!
1. I came across this very short and simple article, "Quiet Times,"and found it to be very informative! It even helped me make "Quiet Time" for myself today!
2. For our little TOG fans, here is a Sesame Street classic:
3. Check out these amazing books in our TOG Box .... It's all about QUIET TIME!
Do you ever find yourself as a parent saying "no" all the time? Can I have a cookie? No. Can I wear shorts even though it's 50 degrees out? No. Can we play Candyland again? No. Sometimes I'm even more upset by the endless stream of "no"s than my kids.
What would it be like to say "yes" for a change instead of answering all those little questions with the knee jerk "no" response? At least for the things that really aren't dangerous or world-ending. Yes, you can wear whatever you like, even if it doesn't match. Yes, you can have Mac and Cheese for breakfast even though it seems thoroughly unappetizing to me. Yes, you can pull out the fingerpaints even though I hate cleaning them up. Yes, I will spend an extra 10 minutes playing a board game that makes me feel brain dead. The message is, if it's important to your child and not going to hurt you or them in the process, why not? It might just strengthen your relationship in the long-term.
In an article "Just Say Yes" by Sandra Tsing Loh in Wondertime Magazine, the author talks about an experiment in which, for an entire week, she tried to put "yes" in place of the automatic "no's" that come up on a daily basis. It is a funny piece, but it has some poignant truths, too, about the fact that children will grow up and grow away and that what they probably want most of all is to spend time with us. Time that we all too often say "no" to.
Amy Krouse Rosenthal also has a wonderful children's book on this theme, Yes Day!, about a day once a year where the answer to everything a child asks for, including using hair gel and staying up late, is yes. You MIGHT even be inspired to put this holiday on your own family's yearly calendar!
