~The way we communicate with our children has a profound effect on how they develop ~
Dr. Daniel Siegel
The word "communication" has never been used more than it is today. Every relationship in our lives is based on it! It is what we're supposed to do with our husbands, wives, parents, siblings, children, coworkers, neighbors, friends ... the list can go on and on. Needless to say, special attention should be given to nurture our communication skills with our children because unlike the rest of our relationships, with children, we are shaping their lives and influencing their development in a big way...... much larger than we can imagine!
By definition, the word communication is "to give or interchange feelings, information or the like, by writing, speaking etc." In order for the interchange to happen, the parent has to remain open-minded, open-hearted and be willing to :
1. Listen. This means allowing your child to finish their sentences before you speak your mind.
It definitely does not mean agreeing with your child in what they're saying but instead just hearing them out while they're talking.
2.Understand. This means absorbing the meaning of their words and paying attention to the feelings behind them. Many a times, children are not using the right words to express their feelings and yet they are trying to express their point of view. Understanding refers to getting to "the point that they are trying to make".
3. Respect. Even though they are children and do not have the life experiences that we do, they are still entitled to their feelings. By respecting their feelings, we acknowledge and honor their presence. This does not mean that we have to agree with them or give them what they're asking for. This simply means accepting and honoring their existence so that they can accept and honor our guidance. If you are too upset to listen or understand, respect alone, can set a strong foundation for positive communication with your children.
Listening,understandingand respectingis the integrated interchange of feelings that is at the heart of the definition of the word communication.
Research confirms that our response to our children's feelings creates long lasting memories nurturing their sense of security, and helps them improve their own communication skills which translate to success in many areas of their lives. Our communication skills help develop theirs and our relationship with them defines their relationship with the world around them.
Keep in mind, emotionally intelligent parents raise emotionally intelligent children! Emotional literacy is not taught in schools. I repeat, emotional intelligence is not a subject that they are going to learn in schools. We are their first and foremost teachers on the subject and as parents, I know that if we are aware, we will do the best job we can!
It is my passion and my Purpose to bring to you creative, simple TOGs to help you do that!
"We all need someone who inspires us to do better than we know how." ~~ Anonymous
When children are born, their only two fears are:
1. The fear of falling.
2. The fear of loud noises.
That's it! Other than that, they are purely and completely shaped by their environment i.e their parents, family and caregivers. Their minds are open and absorbing everything they are surrounded by. Our reactions, responses, voices, and tones are all making impressions upon their little brains as they grow. We are the "soil", if you will. They are the "seeds". The "roots" are the "impressions" that they form. These "roots" or "impressions" really are the foundation of their growth. They carry our children to their growth and through their growth. Their personalities form from these impressions. As a parent, I am awed by the fantastic role we play as parents in growing their roots and shaping them! Through their most formative years (0-7), by simply understanding our children and theiremotional boundaries,we can not only teach them how to do things but we also inspire them and hold their hands through what they have never experienced before.... walking, talking,riding a bike and so much more. We are their parents and their teachers!
We are that "someone" that inspires our children to do better than they know how! We can only do that if we first believe in ourselves!
In my monthly "Happy, Relaxed Parenting" class last week, I addressed the issue of us, the parents, passing on our own negative experiences thereby planting "limiting beliefs" in our children. These limiting beliefs take our children from a place of love and confidence to a place of fear and lack of confidence which will translate into poor decision making as they grow!
Here's a great example:
"My seven year old has been repeatedly asking for a bike. Although a lot of his friends are riding bikes, I still think it is unsafe and too early."
Underlying reason: This parent had an injury in a bicycle accident at age 6.
Effect: Needless to say, this child sees friends and neighbors riding bikes and feels "left out".
This feeling then perhaps translates into "feeling sorry" for oneself which lays the ground work for low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence and a plethera of fear-based emotions.
Recommendation: As parents, our first instinct is to always protect our children, particularly from our bad experiences. But if we use our emotions to think instead of thinking with our emotions, we will be better able to "respond" instead of "react" . So practice your emotionalintelligence skills by listening carefully (a full paragraph focusing on "listening" in our previous blog) to what your children are saying. Ask yourself if it is a reasonable request and if it is safe. If so, allow your children to have their own new and fresh experiences from which to learn and respect their desires and curiosity to learn. Bringing our own negative experiences into their lives will hinder their growth , well-being and social skills. Keeping this in mind will give our children a platform to be open minded and flexible as they thrive, exploring new skills, building their self confidence and self esteem.
Let me know your thoughts. If you have experiences that you would like to share please email me at roma@toolfgrowth.com or "post your comment" below.
With all the emphasis on building a child's academic learning skills at an early age, we, as parents, must remember the importance of building their social and emotional skills as well. Needless to say, today we have groundbreaking research to prove that EQ (Emotional Quotient) or EI (Emotional Intelligence) accelerates our IQ and yet ......... we see very little progress in the area of helping children uncover the depth of their emotional intelligence. So does this mean that we now have to "teach" our kids one more thing?! Absolutely not! All we have to do is be aware of and nurture EI in our homes and our daily lives. HOW? By staying present and attentive, by staying in the "NOW", which simply means paying attention to the situation at hand.
Here are four easy "NOW" suggestions that will win every time:
1. Help children IDENTIFY their emotions... for example.... "Are you angry or sad?". Giving them choices, even if you know what the emotion is, will help them identify their own feelings, increasing their emotional vocabulary and most importantly allowing them to learn to practice making choices (which is a life skill in itself!). 2. RESPECT their feelings. If they are "sad", just letting them know that you "understand" will open up the door for building communication skills at an early age. Be prepared for what comes next........ 3. Be prepared to LISTEN! You have set the stage for them to start expressing their feelings. The word "listen" is defined as "paying attention". The most important part of "listening" or "paying attention" is allowing our children to complete their sentences and their thoughts, without interrupting. 4. When they are done expressing their thoughts and feelings, be GENUINE in helping them problem-solve effectively. This means, use a kind and gentle tone of voice AND positive, encouraging words.
Parenting is a gift and we must honor it. By staying in the "NOW", we honor both ourselves and our children. As Charles Darwin says: "It is not the most intelligent of species that survives but the most responsive". It is up to us to teach our kids to respond instead of react and we can do so by practicing it ourselves first!
Here's how well re"now"ned author Amy Krause Rosenthal explains it! In Joy:
A friend of mine left town for a few days, leaving her calm, confident and well adjusted, 18-month old daughter in the care of family. On her return, we connected and, of course, I wanted to hear all about the trip and also asked how the little one did! Here is what she said:
She felt...
HAPPY:
"I'm happy that she developed some good habits." In her absence, her sister-in-law was able to get her daughter, Sophia, off the pacifier AND got her to fall asleep in her crib!
SAD:
"What was I doing wrong? I guess I'm a little sad with myself that I was not able to do this on my own."
Sound Familiar? Of course! Anyone and everyone who has held or currently holds the prestigious title of "parent" can empathize with this dark feeling of "inadequacy" when someone else is able to accomplish what we could not with OUR OWN children!
But here is the underlying truth, my Friend: you should be very proud of yourself for the great job that you HAVE done with your daughter! Not very many parents can leave town (let alone the country!) unless they are absolutely comfortable that their child will be okay and will do well!
Let's make a list of Mommy and Daddy's parenting skills that might help my Friend feel better:
1. You have to be a confident, calmand positive parent to be able to leave your child anywhere!
2. You obviously have phenomenal relationships with your family to have them volunteer to take on the responsibility. This speaks directly of your investment in the importance of family for both of you as individuals! BRAVO!
3. YOUR CHILD WAS HAPPY WHILE YOU WERE GONE! This is a huge, positive reflection of the happiness index that you have raised your child with.
4. Sophia even took it to the next level! What an EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT child! She was well-aware of and responded to the new things that her aunt was trying to teach her. This speaks directly to the learning environment that you have surrounded and raised her with. It goes without saying that she is a bright child who is nurtured and encouraged to constantly learn and is given the freedom to choose when SHE is ready!
So where's the grief?
Sophia has happy, confident, calm, positive parents who have taught her by example and embedded in her the importance of family. Hence, Sophia has, thus far, been raised to be a bright, nurtured, well-adjusted, intelligent, and soul-full child who makes positive choices when she is ready!
Another thing to remember!
There is an old saying that says... "It takes a community to raise a child" And this is absolutely true. In fact, it is extremely healthy for your child to learn from people and environment other than their home and parents! What great preparation for school, college and real life! Moreover, research indicates that learning from cousins and family members strengthens bonds and harnesses trust. It really does not matter who the source of a positive habit is. What does matter is that you have a child who is able to learn from a new environment!
Honor yourself, Mom and Dad, for you are on the right track! You are doing a great job and what a great "family community" you have! As you all may know, our TOG motto is: Emotionally Intelligent Parents Raise Happy and Caring Kids! And this is exactly what you're doing my Friend! You should be very proud of yourself!
Before we part for today, here's a great refresher message for all our TOG Parents:
"A LOVING CONNECTION WITH YOUR CHILD WILL PROVIDE THE FOUNDATION FOR YOUR CHILD'S HIGHER THINKING SKILLS "
I've come across several articles that use the words "learning parenting skills" and wondered why that does not resonate completely with the gift of what parenting really is. While a "skill" is defined as "the ability to do something well", I feel what lies beneath is the "attitude" towards parenting that actually builds the "skill". Once we assume the title of "parent", we give birth to a whole new way of thinking! I looked up the Oxford dictionary definition of the word "attitude" and thats exactly what it is defined as "a way ofthinking"! By simply assuming the title, we naturally adopt the thinking, which nourishes the feeling which then leads to our actions (role as parents). By paying attention to our "attitude" towards parenting, we would uncover our natural ability of being a parent! If our attitude toward parenting is a positive one....one of love, empathy, compassion, then surely our behavior towards our children will be filled with love, empathy and compassion, despite the challenges. Emotionally intelligent parents will nurture happy and emotionally intelligent children! Most importantly, our attitude becomes their attitude. They're watching us and learning from us. We have the power to teach our children by example and what a honorable gift that is!
"I'm Watching you Dad. You're teaching me how to live....wether you know it or not."
One of the best ways to build a child's self-esteem is to allow them to complete their sentences. As parents, we must remind ourselves the importance of not just "hearing" what our children are saying but actually "listening" to them. It might seem like the difference between the words is subtle, but I promise you, it will add a whole new dimension to communication with your child and setting the foundation for building their self-esteem, self-confidence and self-identity. Listening really means "hearing while paying attention"! This practice of hearing while paying attention and allowing our children to complete their sentences encourages them to express their feelings more readily preparing them to be the best that they can be, with our love and support.
As WILL.I.AM would say on behalf of all our kids ...... "I WILL ALWAYS BE THE BEST ME THAT I CAN BE......... AND I'LL KEEP GETTING STRONGER......."
In Joy!
I also wanted to share with all of you that we are working on a brand new look for our website in preparation for the launch of Happy Heart Happy Face. In the last couple of days I have had several people asking for more posts and I promise to post at least once a week and keep you updated with our progress at Tools of Growth. I would also love to hear your comments (link below) or email me with any questions or thoughts: roma@toolsofgrowth.com
