In my monthly "Happy, Relaxed Parenting" class last week, I addressed the issue of us, the parents, passing on our own negative experiences thereby planting "limiting beliefs" in our children. These limiting beliefs take our children from a place of love and confidence to a place of fear and lack of confidence which will translate into poor decision making as they grow!
Here's a great example:
"My seven year old has been repeatedly asking for a bike. Although a lot of his friends are riding bikes, I still think it is unsafe and too early."
Underlying reason: This parent had an injury in a bicycle accident at age 6.
Effect: Needless to say, this child sees friends and neighbors riding bikes and feels "left out".
This feeling then perhaps translates into "feeling sorry" for oneself which lays the ground work for low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence and a plethera of fear-based emotions.
Recommendation: As parents, our first instinct is to always protect our children, particularly from our bad experiences. But if we use our emotions to think instead of thinking with our emotions, we will be better able to "respond" instead of "react" . So practice your emotional intelligence skills by listening carefully (a full paragraph focusing on "listening" in our previous blog) to what your children are saying. Ask yourself if it is a reasonable request and if it is safe. If so, allow your children to have their own new and fresh experiences from which to learn and respect their desires and curiosity to learn. Bringing our own negative experiences into their lives will hinder their growth , well-being and social skills. Keeping this in mind will give our children a platform to be open minded and flexible as they thrive, exploring new skills, building their self confidence and self esteem.
Let me know your thoughts. If you have experiences that you would like to share please email me at roma@toolfgrowth.com or "post your comment" below.
In Joy!
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With all the emphasis on building a child's academic learning skills at an early age, we, as parents, must remember the importance of building their social and emotional skills as well. Needless to say, today we have
groundbreaking research to prove that EQ (Emotional Quotient) or EI (Emotional Intelligence) accelerates our IQ and yet ......... we see very little progress in the area of helping children uncover the depth of their emotional intelligence. So does this mean that we now have to "teach" our kids one more thing?! Absolutely not! All we have to do is be aware of and nurture EI in our homes and our daily lives. HOW? By staying present and attentive, by staying in the "NOW", which simply means paying attention to the situation at hand.
Here are four easy "NOW" suggestions that will win every time:
1. Help children IDENTIFY their emotions... for example.... "Are you angry or sad?". Giving them choices, even if you know what the emotion is, will help them identify their own feelings, increasing their emotional vocabulary and most importantly allowing them to learn to practice making choices (which is a life skill in itself!).
2. RESPECT their feelings. If they are "sad", just letting them know that you "understand" will open up the door for building communication skills at an early age. Be prepared for what comes next........
3. Be prepared to LISTEN! You have set the stage for them to start expressing their feelings. The word "listen" is defined as "paying attention". The most important part of "listening" or "paying attention" is allowing our children to complete their sentences and their thoughts, without interrupting.
4. When they are done expressing their thoughts and feelings, be GENUINE in helping them problem-solve effectively. This means, use a kind and gentle tone of voice AND positive, encouraging words.
Parenting is a gift and we must honor it. By staying in the "NOW", we honor both ourselves and our children. As Charles Darwin says: "It is not the most intelligent of species that survives but the most responsive". It is up to us to teach our kids to respond instead of react and we can do so by practicing it ourselves first!
Here's how well re"now"ned author Amy Krause Rosenthal explains it! In Joy:
